INTRO

GOUDY: The name's Stout.  Goudy Stout.  I'm a detective working undercover as an AE Tutor.  And it looks like I'm the last one left.


SCENE 1 - FLASHBACK

GOUDY: How did I get myself into this mess?  It was a month ago today that the dame first walked into my office.

LUCIDA: I'm Lucida Bright.  My husband's been murdered.

GOUDY: The dame's the wife of Apple Chancery, or she was, anyway.  Ole Apple met his maker at the hands of a mace-wielding nutjob.  It seems there was some uproar over the recent funding cut of the AE program, charges of corruption in the administration.  All it takes is one bad Apple, I guess.

GOUDY: Lucida was a nice broad; a little nervous, a little scared maybe, but definitely easy on the eyes.  I couldn't guess why she put me on the case, with the luck I've had lately.  Five cases since my partner died and I left New York, and not one of them solved.  For whatever reason, she took a chance on a broken-down, alcoholic, five-time loser like me, and I was gonna do my best to solve her case.

GOUDY: So I went undercover in the AE program, to investigate things.  Things were quiet for a while, and then something strange happened; all the other tutors began to disappear.  Nancy, Lincoln, Walsh: all missing.  No notes.  No clues.  No nothing.  Where do I go from here?  Like a blind man in a nudist colony, I was gonna have to feel my way around.



SCENE 2 - WALSH IS FOUND

GOUDY: I got the call just as I fell asleep after a hard night of tutoring.  I'd been tossing and turning all night, trying to forget the tormenting demons in my head; but I had real life demons waiting for me.

GARAMOND: Goudy, this is Inspector Garamond with the Claremont Police.  We just heard from Camp Sec.  Walsh's body has been found at the bottom of the Koi Pond at Hixon Court.

GOUDY: Garamond was already on the scene when I showed up.  Someone had let Walsh's wife onto the scene, and she fell to pieces when she saw the body.  Well, to be blunt, Walsh was in pieces, too.  He'd been chopped in half.  Gruesome.  Camp Sec officers were in scuba gear; they'd been scouring the bottom of the pond for hours.  The only clue they found was a Mix Bowl receipt for "Spicy Beef Soup".  Could be unrelated to the case, but I had a hunch.  My hunch would have to wait, though.  The first E&M exam was coming up and I wasn't about to let the kids down now.



SCENE 3 - MIX BOWL

GOUDY: Tutoring hours ended at 4:30 and Mix Bowl's late night hours ended at 5.  I had to rush to get there before it closed its doors.  Luckily, the streets were deserted this late at night.  I arrived and asked for a meeting with Mix Bowl's manager Courier New, a tall, imposing man, known as a supporter of the community and a donor to local charities.

COURIER: So, Mr. Stout, how's the case coming?  I hear they found Walsh's body.

GOUDY: How do you know my name? How do you know about the case?

COURIER: I am a man with connections, Mr. Stout.  I didn't get to my position in this town by being blind to the happenings in the community.

GOUDY: Listen, pal, you don't intimidate me.  I've got some questions and, you'd better cough up some answers quick before I blow my top.  Get it?

COURIER: I'm a friend in all this, Mr. Stout.  Apple Chancery and I served in the war together.  We haven't seen each other in years, but he saved my life once, and I wish I had the chance to do the same for him.  He's gone now, and all I can do is help you find his killer.

GOUDY: Alright, we found a Mix Bowl receipt at the crime scene, and I need to know if you can trace it back to who bought it.

COURIER: We don't keep that sort of information on hand, but what was the order?

GOUDY: "Spicy Beef Soup"

COURIER: Ah, yes.  "Spicy Beef Soup"  Do you know this dish?

GOUDY: No.

COURIER: It's a terrible dish.  Beef balls, tendon, liver, pork skin.  It was my father's favorite meal, so we keep it on the menu in his memory, but I've only ever seen one person order it.

GOUDY: Who?

COURIER: Andale Mono

GOUDY: Andale Mono.  That name sounds familiar.

COURIER: Maybe you should ask Ms. Lucida Bright about him.

GOUDY: Just then my phone rang.  It was Inspector Garamond.

GARAMOND: Goudy.  Further inspection of Walsh's body shows it was a broadsword that got him.

GOUDY: Gruesome.

GARAMOND: Also, lab results from the bioinferometer analysis of the receipt just came back.  It turns out there was writing on the back the whole time.  Each AE tutor's name is on the list.  Nancy, Lincoln, Walsh, all three crossed out.  Watch out, Goudy, you're next on the list.



SCENE 4 - GOUDYS OFFICE

GOUDY: The case was starting to come together in my head.  This Andale Mono chracter must be connected to the disappearances of the tutors but where is the connection to Apple Chancery?  What's the motive?  If he did kill Apple Chancery, what made him go after the tutors?  More questions than answers.  This is the part my old partner was great at, putting everything together.  Just then, I heard something moving in the closet.  I pulled out my gun and pointed it at the closet.

GOUDY: Come out with your hands up!

LUCIDA: Goudy, it's me.

GOUDY: You flighty dame, what are you doing hiding in the closet?

LUCIDA: I was scared, Goudy!  I don't know who I can trust anymore.  The police said the receipt at the crime scene was Andale Mono's.

GOUDY: Right.  Do you know who that is?

LUCIDA: He's the new president.

GOUDY: What?!

LUCIDA: He took over after Apple was murdered.  He's a pitiful, power-hungry little man, and he's crazy.  He told me he hated Apple a week before the murder, but there was no evidence against him.

GOUDY: Well, there's the motive for killing Apple, but why would he kill the tutors?

LUCIDA: Gill Sans, the gossip reporter for the New Roman Times, wrote an article about the murder case reporting a rumor that one of the AE tutors was an undercover detective looking for clues.  He must've been worried that you would find something.  Oh, Goudy, I'm so scared!

GOUDY: I've got to get to Andale Mono, before he gets to me.

LUCIDA: Oh, be careful, Goudy.  I don't want anything to happen to you, but isn't there a big Chemistry test coming up for those freshman?

GOUDY: Damn!  A tutor's job is never done.



SCENE 5 - ANDALE MONO'S HOUSE

GOUDY: The case against Andale wasn't as strong as I'd like, but if he was targetting me, acting quickly was critical.  With my revolver in my hand and a restless determination, I broke into Andale's house to confront him.  I found him passed out in his desk chair, an empty bottle of bourbon in his hand.  I slapped him in the face and pulled him up by his collar, pointing my gun at him.

GOUDY: Alright, you rowdy son of a gun, you better start talking, and talk fast before I give you a lead sandwich.

ANDALE: What's tha' big idea, stretch?  Who are you?  Whatcha doin' here?

GOUDY: Listen here, greaseball.  Don't play games with me.  You're the lousy cur that killed Apple Chancery!

ANDALE: N-no!  It wasn't me!  I'd never...

GOUDY: Do you think I just fell off the turnip truck?!  That I was born yesterday?!  You wanted Apple out of the way so that you can be president.

ANDALE: I wouldn't!  I loved Apple.  He was like a father to me!

GOUDY: Then why would you say you hated Apple a week before the murder?

ANDALE: I never said that.

GOUDY: We've got witnesses.  Now stop jerking me around or I'll pump your guts full of lead!

ANDALE: Alright, alright, I admit it!  I hated Apple ever since he took over as president!  I hated him!  I was supposed to be president, and then he came around, the big war hero, the humanitarian, and all of a sudden the little farmboy from Helvetica, Michigan wasn't good enough to be president!

GOUDY: So you killed him?!

ANDALE: NO!  I didn't kill him.  As his advisor I was giving him bad advice, trying to make him unpopular; that's why the AE funding got cut.  But I never would've killed him.  I'm a pacifist.  I was a conscientious objector during the war.

GOUDY: You're not a commie are you?!  Jesus Christ!!  You're sick!  Get out of my sight.

GOUDY: The fuzz showed up shortly after to bring him in.  It seemed like everything wrapped up nicely, but something didn't feel right.  Call me crazy, but I believed the red bastard.



SCENE 6 - WITH LUCIDA

GOUDY: I called Lucida to set up a time to deliver my final report, but she wanted to go out and celebrate the completion of the case.  I didn't really feel like celebrating, myself, but she said she had tickets to a local basketball match.  The Knickerbockers were in town, and I hadn't seen them since I was a young man, growing up in the Palatino.  After the match she invited me back to her house for drinks.  Her house was a sight, antique furniture, bookshelves filled with leather-bound tomes, all first editions no doubt, and walls covered in tapestries and old medieval weapons.  She brought out a couple drinks and I stared through to the bottom of my glass; I didn't feel much like drinking.  She left to freshen up, and I started thinking about the case.  I did believe Andale, Communist that he was; his story just seemed right.  I thought about the murder weapons, the broadsword, the mace... MEDIEVAL WEAPONS! .. My phone rang.

GARAMONT: Goudy!  It's Inspector Garamond.  Andale says that Apple was carrying on with an AE Tutor and that Lucida found out about it.  Also, she took Andale out to Mix Bowl once and shared a "Spicy Beef Bowl" with him.

GOUDY: She killed them.  I'm at her house right now.  I've gotta go.

GOUDY: I looked down to my drink and thanked God I hadn't had any yet; poison is such a cowardly weapon.  I threw the glass to the floor and pulled out my revolver.  What a gruesome world we live in.  The only thing that comforts me now are the memories of those innocent college kids, just struggling to pass core math.



SCENE 7 - FINAL SHOWDOWN

GOUDY: The next few moments seemed to last for hours.  Time slowed down.  I could feel the tension of the situation saturating the air around me.  Her perfume.  Her perfume was like poison in the air.  This woman was responsible for the deaths of four people, and I was next on her list.

GOUDY: Les jeux sont faits.  Translation: the game is up.  Your ass is mine!  Come out Lucida!  There's no point in hiding now!.

LUCIDA: GOUDY!!!!!!

GOUDY: She came at me with a scythe.  I dodged out of the way.  As she swung back at me, I fired.


BANG!!!!


LUCIDA: Oh, Goudy, I must've underestimated you.  I thought for sure you'd screw up this case like you've screwed up everything else lately.  You're quite a detective after all, and quite a man.

GOUDY: How could you do it?  How could you kill your husband?

LUCIDA: You've never been in love, have you?  You don't know what it feels like to give your life to someone, only to have him treat you like garbage, like a poor dog left stranded on the side of the road.  Sure, he donated to charities and he had his students of course.  He _loved_ his students.  Like those AE Tutors.  How can a college president carry on with students like that?  And then what did he do?  He cut their funding.  I almost felt sorry for them; he treated them like he treated me.  But I couldn't forget how I felt, how hurt I was.  It's almost funny, now I don't feel ... a thing ...

GARAMOND: Goudy!  Thank God you're all right.

GOUDY: Inspector Garamond.  What a sordid mess.  Gruesome.  Lucida didn't underestimate me.  She was right.  I screwed up the case.  I started investigating one death and now six people are dead.  And what did any of us gain from it?  Is the world a better place?

GARAMOND: What about the children, Goudy?  Think of all the kids you helped tutoring.

GOUDY: Did I really help them, though?

GARAMOND: Test results just came back.  They passed.  Every single goddammned one of them.

GOUDY: Every one?

GARAMOND: Every one.

GOUDY: You know, Inspector, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.